Online dating has come a long way in the last couple of decades. Some of it for the better and some of it…well not so much. If you are thinking about getting back out there here are some tips for you. This will help you enjoy the experience, find quality people, and stay safe.
Mindset
Go in with an open attitude. Use this as an opportunity to get to know yourself better, meet new people, practice your dating skills and go have fun! We know all the reasons why you may not like online dating or why it didn’t work before but leave that aside.
Do it to date. Not to get married. Take the pressure off yourself when you are meeting with people. Enjoy the moment and the experience and look for organic confirmation about the direction of the dating.
Don’t overthink every match. Talk, get to know them. If they seem fake or flaky, move on. If they don’t respond, move on.
Setting up your profile
Pick your best photos. If you have professional shots, mix in natural shots. Include photos that speak about who you are and what you love. Use recent photos. Do not touch them up. Include full body shots. Be honest.
Be positive about what you are looking for without talking about what you don’t want.
Don’t overshare in your bio.
Distance. The best way to get dates in real life is to limit long distance with online.
Reviewing other profiles
Pick one or two dating sites and stick with it awhile but do not obsess over it. There are great guys and ‘fake’ guys on just about every site so do not assume one has filtered out all the scammers, even the Christian sites.
Set up your parameters and determine how/when you will deviate from that.
Know your deal breakers and where you need to be willing to ‘try something different’.
Watch for: overseas people, people on oil rigs, people in between jobs, people with stock or perfect photos or not candids with friends.
Once you start connections and conversations
- Stay on the platform. Scammers will try to woo you off to either Whatsapp, phone, email. Stand firm.
- Start with a text then quickly ask for a video chat (most have that option) before giving out your number. Or create a free google number.
- Do not get in the habit of long stretches of texting or phone calls before you see them live on a video.
- A good piece of advice: if it isn’t what you would tell a stranger at the grocery store it’s too personal to share with someone you have not ‘verified’ and seen.
- Move to a live quick date within a couple weeks. Virtual dating can create false intimacy so best to see if it translates to in person quickly.
- Before the date: if you don’t have mutual friends, get his last name, and do a quick social media and google search to make sure they are legit.
- Pick a public place. Let a friend know who you are with and where you are going.
- Keep the dates public for a while.
- You can talk to multiple people at the same time with no explanation especially if you keep it platonic.
- Don’t become a text detective. Leave the deeper questions and answers for the video chat. Trying to read between the lines is just not effective.
- Don’t make them feel like they are on a job interview. You don’t need all the answers in the first 72 hours.
What to look out for:
- Be wary of a person that wants to move to phone/email right away.
- Be wary of the person who gives you a bunch of reasons to not video date or meet in person.
- Be aware of the guy who must ‘explain’ their marital/financial/living situation.
- A great question to ask: is there anyone at all that thinks they are in a romantic relationship with you?
- Be wary of the guy who complains and talks negatively about their ex to you especially in the first interactions. It is unbecoming and says a lot more about them than their ex. In most situations each person plays a role in a breakup and a healthy person focuses on their part and what they can do to become a healthier person. The unhealthy, non-self-aware person will always shift the blame on the other person.
- Do not give out money. No matter how sincere or desperate their story.
- Do not disclose your financial details.
- If you really like them, vet them in front of a few trusted friends.
Learn
- About what you really like and don’t like.
- What makes you feel safe and comfortable and relaxed?
- Watch for behaviors in them that you may have and see how it ‘looks’ from the outside.
- What triggers you? Explore what that is about.
- Where do you have blind spots and stereotypes?
If all else fails
- How can you be a blessing to the person even if there is not a romantic connection?
- Do not lead someone on.
Final thoughts
In the beginning stages people will swipe right past you, or like you and not connect with you or disappear after the first text, call, video chat or live date. Sometimes they simply move on with no closure and no explanation. It will save you a lot of energy to simply let it go. Many times, they don’t have a good answer and it really doesn’t matter. YOUR person will want to keep pursuing you. Yes, is it important to learn a bit about love bombing and gaslighting. But don’t try to be a therapist either and diagnose the person you are with. Trust your gut. If you feel or sense a yellow flag, take note. If you feel or sense a red flag, run. You don’t even need to know why. Trust it.